'Top Chef: Chicago' Episode No. 13: That'll do, pig

Oh, what a difference six months makes. And we’re not just talking about a few extra pounds here and there and one really bad haircut.

We’re trying to imagine what it must be like—what kind of toll it takes on you emotionally and physically—to cook 100 hours a week, like Antonia said she’d been doing since the last episode taped. But since we’ve never in a single week put in 100 hours of, oh, anything, we’re having a tough time.

We do know this: “There’s no such thing as al dente beans.” (Sorry, Antonia, we love ya, but your “I like my beans on the al dente side” defense was one of the weaker cases made at the judges’ table this season.) Girl was off her game this week, and she paid a dear price.

At least this means there will be some tension in the finale, which otherwise would’ve been a three-way Stephanie-Antonia-Richard love fest. With Lisa still around cursing and stomping her feet and—here’s a new one—groveling for compliments, there’s a much greater chance for drama.

Speaking of drama: Dale! What the heck!? You almost blew Stephanie’s chances with your pork belly oversight. “Top Chef” viewers never would have forgiven you if you hadn’t come up with that chicharrones idea. (Seriously, don’t underestimate the power of a “Top Chef” fan scorned. Buddakan would have had an empty reservation book starting this weekend. Thinking about opening your own place? Forget about it.) But pork cracklings with fruit and proscuitto salad? Now that’s some pig.

OK, we’re ignoring the elephant in the room. How did pouty Lisa end up in the finals ahead of such fierce competitors as Dale? We’ll never know. In fact, we can hardly even talk about it right now. So instead, we drink.

We noticed more than a few creative interpretations of the Spanish language this episode, and though we’re not sure we’d do much better under pressure, we can’t let it pass. This week’s rule: Drink every time a cheftestant butchers the pronunciation of a Spanish word.

To recap:

Rule No. 1: Drink every time Lisa curses.

Rule No. 2: Drink every time a Glad product appears on screen. Chug for the first five seconds of any Glad commercial.

Rule No. 3: Drink every time Dale lashes out, directly or indirectly.

Rule No. 4: Chug for five seconds any time someone says “threw me under the bus” or similar.

Rule No. 5: Drink for every tight shot/zoom of a GE Monogram logo.

Rule No. 6: Drink every time Spike appears on screen wearing a hat.

Rule No. 7: Drink every time Tom says “interesting,” asks “Have you done that before?” or  “kind of just blinks and pulls his head back.”

8. Drink every time a contestant butchers the pronunciation of a Spanish word.

We’ll be chatting with Stephanie before next week’s finale. (And let’s just be honest and toss all journalistic impartiality aside for a moment: We can’t wait! Go Stephanie!) Got something you think we should ask her? Post a comment here and we’ll throw a couple of the best at her.

Check metromix.com and RedEye next week for the interview—and don’t forget to see what The Stew has to say about this week’s episode!